*Mom- I know you read my blog, so hopefully you get a good laugh out of this...
1. They are NOT your punk ass friends...do not speak to them as such.
2. If you're going to be late you better "move like your ass is on fire."
3. Not only does Mom have eyes in the back of her head, but she has them everywhere. DON'T DO IT SHE'LL FIND OUT.
4. You can make soup out of literally anything.
5. Before you speak, you best know "who you're talking to."
6. While driving, mom can smack all three passengers in the backseat without looking, thus the "no-look, triple back-hand."
7. Throwing your shit in the closet doesn't mean your room is clean (unless you're Dad).
8. "It's all about the delivery."
9. Whoever is the loudest is right.
10. You haven't lived if you haven't had a Saturday school.
11. Everyone needs to know how to make coffee (everyone who enters the house should be prepared to be taught by the Queen herself).
12. follow up on #11...if Mom doesn't have her coffee in the morning, afternoon, and evening you better watch out cause she turns into a monster.
13. Green shorts and a cut-off are a completely acceptable ensemble when going out in public.
14. Don't be alarmed when you wake up in the middle of the night to intoxicated parents standing over your bed in the dark.
15. Parents do not need to inform children that they have sex, regarless of whether said child thinks it's "behind their back."
16. At some age, wrestle and tickle time becomes inappropriate... mostly because when you punch Dad in the stomach a little too hard, he'll finally become aware of that ulcer he has.
17. Saying "I'm so darn mad" just does not have the same effect as "I'M FUCKING PISSED!"
18. Sooner or later, they're gonna get tired of you and your sister fighting and they are gonna tell you to "just beat the shit out of each other" (which will result in Erin getting hurt and you getting grounded)
19. Don't ever refer to Mom as a "soccer mom." Also- she will never drive a minivan.
20. You can spin anything to work out in your favor.
21. "Bob Dunn time" is not even remotely close to real time. Expect to be a least an hour late.
22. Don't worry if you rip your mom's car mirror off because you might get away with it if your sister acts like an idiot
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